It’s currently 1:11 AM and I’m lying in bed awaiting my FDOC (First Day of Classes… as the saying goes) later today and I decided to write this while I was picking at my face in the bathroom 20 minutes ago hahah I might do another post but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there in an attempt to figure them out
So in case you two didn’t already know, I am not a virgin hahahah I feel like all throughout the latter half of high school you guys just assumed because I neither confirmed nor denied… but yeah I lost my virginity to Josh the summer before junior year and so the story goes. I’ve definitely felt a lot more freedom here to express my sexuality, and I’m still very open about it (i.e. I can talk about sex in casual conversation, joke about cringey experiences at dinner, “counsel” buddies who don’t know who to talk to about such taboo) with all my friends here so it felt weird that I haven’t been as explicit (lol) with you two who have been my closest friends for all my life.
The reason I bring this up is because a lot of the grief and stress that came out of my first semester stemmed from an imbalance. I realize that I was struggling to balance my newfound and blossoming sexuality with what sex actually means to me. Ugh that is really vague let me keep going hahah. Basically I was like “yeah college everyone is okay with sex and I love sex it’s such a beautiful intimate thing that’s literally essential to human existence and here I have a guy who I can have sex with and it’s great!!!!” Haha so the guy is Alex and he is the only other guy who I’ve had sex with. I’ve updated you both on how Alex played out but to remind you, Not Good. I tried to fool myself by saying that it was just “casual sex” but that is a bigger oxymoron than “jumbo shrimp” IMHO. Because I had only known sex in the context of a really good relationship in which we exchanged “I love you”s months before we did it, I was just so fucking confused when the sex I had in college was barely even grounded in “I like you enough to want a relationship with you.” Josh was super good to me – he still is! He told me he loved me the other day when I saw him. I didn’t really talk about it with anyone though because it kind of surprised me that he still did, even though I was literally thinking to myself “god I still love him” when we were hanging out. Idek what kind of love I just knew that I cared about him the same amount, even if my care came from a different place. I could honestly fill a book about Josh he means so much to me hahah I’m glad that he’s still in my life so I can look at guys like Alex and be like “Josh was an asshole but he wasn’t an asshole to me”
Another thing. Haha trying to stop having sex is like drinking two cups of coffee every day and quitting caffeine for Lent. It drives you nuts hahahah so as easy as it is for me to be like “Yeah! I’ll stop having sex with toxic people!” it’s just so easy to do the complete opposite when the opportunity, as it so often did last semester, presents itself. But I’m trying! It’s a lot more willpower than I realized it’d be. With Alex especially, the intimacy of waking up next to each other, groggily tossing about in the other’s embrace until we were forced to get ready for the afternoon, delaying even more so just to savor these silly little moments together, god hahahah it is really hard not to want that. To feel love in that unique way. When I remember moments like those, it’s really easy for present me to see how past me fell for Alex so easily & so swiftly… and then to snap into realizing how difficult it’ll be not to fall into the “Alex routine” again.
I’m still trying to figure out how to embrace this part of me without 1) getting emotionally fucked over 2) ruining relationships and most importantly, 3) losing the meaning, even the magic lol, of being that intimate with someone. I think college has just been fabulous because it’s forced me to do a lot of self-reflecting and to solidify my values, what’s important for me to uphold & what I have to sacrifice in order to do so. I really think this semester will turn out okay. I told myself I’d be single this year so #2017 BETTER WATCH OUT [air horn]
More than anything, the love that I get from my friends, especially you two, keeps me going. I’ve been struggling to figure out how else I can express my appreciation for idk so many instances of love that give me more than enough reason to say “fuck boys” and to focus on really cherishing these often overlooked loves this year.
Here are 5 examples of love that I really appreciate:
- Coming out of a graveyard shift with Harris and saying “good night” at an absurd hour of the morning as we both begin our solo treks to the dorms
- Leaning on Khaleelah’s shoulder as we comment on clothing from American Apparel while we sip chai out of matching cups (this proved tricky when we put them down next to each other)
- Friends remembering that I’m from Atlanta and asking me if the snow situation was as bad as it was a couple years ago (cue me trying to tell the snowpocalypse story & failing to create the epic by saying “so yeah we walked from school to her house”)
- Earlier everyone was hanging out in Xueyang and Rachel’s room (see Featured Photo) and it was so overwhelming that we all just looked at each other like “let’s go look at the new clothes Ashley brought back from home”
- This blog hahahah god this is ridiculous but I love it and I love you guys for actually following through with my high-dea (like “idea” HA)
So I’m gonna go to bed now HAHAHAHA big day tomorrow. And big semester ahead of us too! I really want to apply for a part-time job this sem. I also want to focus on educating myself on things I enjoy and not feeling so insecure when people are like referencing works of literature or art or music and I don’t know what it is. That is a whole other spiel that I have a lot of words about because I tend to gravitate towards the pretentious… I want to read more! And I reaaaally want to do well in my classes. They’re kind of hard HAHA I’m nervous. Tomorrow/today I have PSYC 101, my Lucretius class that you’ve already heard plenty about, ROMAN HISTORY god it’s for my major so I really want to do well, choir!, and my AIDS seminar with Xueyang and Rachel HAHA should be a party. Thursday I have ART IN THE ANCIENT CITY which will probably be the subject of many future blog posts bc Alex’s dad is teaching it LOL and also roomie is taking it (!) and then my indoor sports LFIT class lol. So a lot of Classics?!?!?! A bit overwhelmed already. I can’t wait to start looking at this other major so I don’t have to stress myself out about the fucking Romans as much.
I miss you guys already!! Sorry this post was so extra haha